


Mario & Luigi: We Have No Money

by xSweetSlayerx



Category: Mario & Luigi RPG (Video Games), Super Mario & Related Fandoms, Super Mario Bros. (Video Games)
Genre: AI Dungeon, Crack, Gen, Minor Character Death, Minor Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:07:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25603321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xSweetSlayerx/pseuds/xSweetSlayerx
Summary: Luigi tells Yoshi a bizarre bedtime story.Worked from a round with AI Dungeon, my new RP partner.
Kudos: 5





	Mario & Luigi: We Have No Money

It was another average evening in the Mushroom Kingdom, and it was time to put Yoshi to bed. Of course, this was Mama Luigi’s job.

“What would you like for your bedtime story tonight, Yoshi?” Luigi asked as he tucked the little, green dinosaur in.

“Can it be the one with the ghosts, this time?”

“Unfortunately for me, I have a lot of stories that involve ghosts.”

“Oh, the one where you and Mario have no money and you meet the pink police girl.”

“Oh, you wanna hear _that_ story. That was one of the most confusing days of my life,” Luigi grumbled, as it seemed that this particular tale he didn’t’ remember fondly. “Yeah, “A”, huh? Okay, I can tell you _that_ story. It’s been a while since the last time, anyways.”

“Oh boy!” Yoshi quietly cheered.

“Okay, so where do I begin?”

~*~

As all Mario stories begin, Mario and I were on our way to rescue Princess Peach from Bowser. We where walking through the old pipe system, when suddenly, I heard a noise behind me. I turned around, only to see a giant metal arm coming out of the ground!

"What in blazes is going on here?" I said as I dodged the arm.

I quickly jumped away from the arm as it began to grab at me. It did grab me, and it started pulling me towards it, but then something unexpected happened. The metal arm stopped moving.

"It stopped? Mario! Help me out here!"

Before anything could be done, it started wiggling to life again and tried to pull me into the ground. Mario came running. He pulled me free of the arm's grasp. I took out my boomerang and threw it at the claw. It bounced off of it several times before it disappeared. I don’t remember where I got that item, but I’m glad I had it with me.

"This place is really freaky, Luigi," Mario told me.

"Where do you think it came from?"

"No idea, but we should probably get out of here."

Mario and I both ran out of the room. The hall began shaking again, as I saw a hole appear from below me. Mario and I fell down it. We fell for hours!

"I'm never going to find bottom, in this thing! This is hell! Where the hell is the bottom?" Thankfully, I landed on a magic balloon. "Who needs hell when you have flying?" I laughed.

I jumped into the air to grab Mario. Instead, I missed. To save myself, I grabbed onto the top of a spiked ceiling fan. I have no idea what that was doing there, and to this day still wonder why that thing exists. I pulled myself up, as Mario landed on the balloon, behind me. I got back on the balloon, and we rode the balloon to the surface.

When we got to the surface, I took a breath of fresh air. "We made it, somehow!"

"We sure did. We should get going. Peach is waiting for us!"

After several hours of walking, we found that he world had gone completely berserk! Buildings were on fire, civilians were running around like headless chickens, and groups of teenagers were stalking the streets. The place I thought was hell had come to pass.

"Can we go back down to the pit, Mario?"

"Not yet. We have to get the five coins first."

"The what now?"

"The five coins, of course!" Mario said.

I wasn’t sure what Mario wanted with five coins, but I humored him, and we looked around. I figured that since coins are normally lying around all over the place, it would be no problem finding at least five. Boy, was I wrong. We split up, and we searched several blocks but found nothing.

I had nearly given up, when Mario told me "Ah, you have to search everywhere, especially places that look suspicious."

I looked over at a bush, and looked behind it. "Ah, found some!" Conveniently, it was exactly five coins.

"Perfect. Let's go back to New Donk City and exchange them for supplies."

"What can we buy with five coins?"

"Um... I think we can buy some meat with them."

As we made our way to the small grocery store in New Donk City, I asked Mario why we needed meat. He said it was because that’s what Mushroom Kingdom currency was “originally used for”. I argued that it would be wiser to sock up on mushrooms, and he immediately agreed with me. I honestly think he was just hungry for some Swedish meatballs.

We got to the store, and I asked the owner for mushrooms.

"I don't sell only mushrooms," he said. "You want something else, instead?

"What about fire flowers?"

"Fire flowers? What the hell are fire flowers?"

I explained to him what a fire flower are, and he agreed that they sound good. So then, I asked him about POW blocks.

"POW blocks? What the hell are those?"

I rolled my eyes and explained those to him too. Turns out, he did have some, and he finally agreed to sell me some.

"Is five coins enough?"

"Are you serious?" He was pretty taken aback. I don’t blame him. Five coins for one POW block is sensible, but not a few. I pleaded with him about the Princess and used my STACHE discount to balance things out, and he finally gave in and took the coins.

I went back outside to find Mario at the city entrance, and we left.

“The market is awful these days.”

"Yeah, I know. That's why we need a lot of supplies. We have the coins, so we can stock up on food and stuff."

"We're actually out of coins. I spent them on those POW blocks."

"Great, so now what?"

Mario’s hunger must have really been getting to him, and we we’re definitely short on supplies. I figured it would be best to make our way back through Koopa Troopa village and return to the Mushroom Kingdom. The princess would have to wait a little more.

Now, this is where my memory gets foggy. Mario and I got to Koopa Troopa village. The Koopa Troopa village is a fairly large village, but it's still pretty small compared to the kingdom as a whole. They’re pretty independent, and I’m guessing that's because they're anti-monarchy. They may not care about Princess Peach, but they aren’t fans of Bowser, either. We can shop without being attacked. Although, I don’t think I’ll ever feel one hundred percent safe there, ever again, after what happened next.

After entering the village, we went to see if we could buy anything from the item shop, but it was empty. We figured the owner must be on the second floor of the building. We went to go look for him, and we opened the door to the staircase leading to the upper floors. We went up the stairs, but… We arrived at a clearing in a forest, and there was a sign pointing towards the Wuhu Island chain.

"Mario, how did we just go up the stairs of a store, then find ourselves in the forest?"

"I dunno. I just woke up, and I'm still a mere human.”

"What are you talking about? Are you okay?"

"I'm talking about me appearing as a human. As you can see, I'm not quite a golem yet.”

"Mario, why would you be a golem?"

"Because most people in this village are. Come on, I'll show you."

I wasn’t sure who was loosing it more, me or Mario. I followed him, as he began running through the forest. We ran for some time, but we never found a village. There was nothing but the forest around us and the moon above. It hadn’t been night, before, so it was there and then I knew something was horribly wrong with the world around me.

"Mario, where are we?"

"Wuhu Island, home of the golems."

"Why are we here?"

"To buy stuff."

"If you say so. But, don't Mii people live here? Not golems?"

"Yes, but only Mii Golems. Most of these people have no souls."

I felt like that could have been a philosophical moment, but there was still too much that didn’t make sense. But, it got worse. Suddenly, a glowing white creature appeared in the sky. It slowly fell to the ground, landing gently on four feet.

"Please tell me I'm dreaming," I asked the ghost before me.

"I can't, I'm afraid. But I can tell you this: This is no dream. You're still alive, and you're living in the real world." And the ghost disappeared.

"Mario, who was that?"

"Nobody important. That was the ghost of the Koopa Kingdom's first king, who had no more use for this world and its suffering. He had a special relationship with the demons. He helped create them and knew that the end was coming. So he escaped to their realm before his time was up."

"What demons?"

"Demons. Ghosts, for the most part. I'm sure you've noticed the numerous spirits wandering about."

"No. No, I haven't.” You can imagine I was getting very uncomfortable, at this point. “I want to get out of here, Mario."

"Sure. No need to worry."

We started to walk away, but I definitely still felt like I had every reason to worry. Also, for some other reason, I had a brief sense of free will, before it completely vanished.

"If this really is a dream it's time for me to wake up please!"

Thankfully, it really was a dream because I suddenly woke up in bed. I rejoiced that it was only a dream and went downstairs to go to find Mario, and there he sat.

"What happened?"

"I was having a nightmare!"

"Oh? What about?"

"We went to the Koopa Troopa village, but we ended up in a forest, then Wuhu island. And you wanted to be a golem for some reason! And there was a ghost! It was awful!"

"Really? Hmm, that is a pretty wild dream. Do you remember what the nightmare was trying to tell you?"

I had think for a moment. Was that dream really trying to tell me something? Or did I just overdo yesterday’s adventure? "I don't know, but I think we should stay away from Koopa Troopa village for a while."

"Sure."

The next day, we arrived at Koopa Troopa village.

“I hate everything.” My dismay was well matched to the fact that we had never made it to the Koopa Troopa village, in the first place. I have no idea where my dream began, after all. We still had to go through there to get to wherever the princess was being held. At least, the area looked like it had been all fixed up, since the last excursion. "Well, it doesn't look like hell anymore."

"You're right, Weeg. It's a lot nicer. Come on, we should get started."

"Do we buy more supplies?"

"No. We brought enough, for now. Let's go find a nice place to settle."

So, Mario and I went out looking for a good spot to rest. We found the inn, where a massive pile of bones layed outside it. The inn itself almost seemed abandoned. It was decayed to such a degree that I had concerns about its… stability.

"Um. What happened here? Are those Dry Bones?"

"Yep.”

"Oh okay."

Reluctantly, we entered the inn. Chairs had been pushed over, and only a table with one chair was still standing in the middle of the room. There sat the innkeeper, who unsurprisingly was also a Dry Bones.

"Hello. I'm wondering where everyone went." The innkeeper simply stared at me in silence. "Can we sleep here for tonight?"

"Sure. Have a seat," he said as he pointed to a table with two downed chairs. "I have to keep watch."

Mario and I gave each other a worried look, but sat in the chairs, anyways.

"This place gives me the creeps," Mario said.

"Easy for you to say."

"I suppose so. Listen. Let's not stay here. If this place is giving me the creeps and not just you, it’s probably a bad idea.”

"Agreement.”

Thankfully, we found another place to stay. I didn’t even want to know what was going on over at the Dry Bones inn. We left the village the next day and continued onward, hoping to make some sort of progress. Before long, we came across a spooky tower.

"This is worse. I want back to the Dry Bones inn.”

“No, Luigi. We’ve made it this far; we’re not turning back. … _Again_.”

Before long, we come across another spooky object. It appeared to be the portrait of a Boo. Unfortunately, I was correct. It’s never just a portrait. The portrait quickly became the shape of what it had pictured. Mario and I backed away in fear.

“Hold-up fellas!” the Boo spoke to us. “Haha. Sorry, for the jump, but I am what I am. I offer you a challenge.”

“What is it”? Mario asked.

“There’s a ghost in that tower! There’s also a gold statue! Evade the ghost and get to the top! The statue will be your prize!”

It didn’t sound worth it to me in the slightest. “That’s it? I don’t wanna-.”

“Deal.” Mario accepted the challenge.

“Mario!”

The Boo grinned. “Go for it! Good luck!” he said, as he vanished.

“Mario, why?!”

“We’re poor, Luigi! If we find that statue, we can sell it for a hundred. I don’t want to get stuck in another hellscape, with five coins, scraping for mushrooms!”

Reluctantly, with a pounding heart, I followed Mario into the spooky tower. As we approached the first flight of stairs, we heard a ghastly voice.

"Hello," said our ghost host.

"No! Not you! You're not real!" I panicked.

"Yes, I am!" The ghost reached to grab us.

We both screamed in terror and turned to run. The ghost burst towards us, seemingly faster than we were trying to escape. We ran up the stairs, taking two at a time. Eventually, we made it to the top of the tower. I took a deep breath of air, before Mario grabbed me to hide behind some fallen stone. We remained there for a few minutes, until the ghost made it to the room and searched it. It never found us, and eventually disappeared. The pounding of my heart slowly began to calm down, when Mario pulled me to my feet.

"That was close."

"Where is the statue?" I wondered.

After a quick glance around, we saw there was a chest. Sure enough, the statue was inside, and we bagged it. I suppose it was worth it, but I definitely wouldn’t volunteer to go through that again. We left the tower without any trouble, and continued on to where Bowser’s fortress was.

"Man, I sure hope the princess is alright," Mario sighed. “We’ve taken so long.”

“Don’t worry. We usually take longer. Besides, we’re here, finally.”

We entered the fortress, whose familiarity was second only to Peach’s castle. Everything seemed normal, except for the fact that it seems that my nightmares followed me here, as well. Inside, we found more Boos and more ghosts, some of which I recognized as species from back in my mansion-searching days. But, the scariest—and also weirdest—part was the one ghost that looked like an older version of myself.

"Why is Bowser employing ghosts?"

"To do his dirty work, I suppose," Mario suggested. "I guess he's run out of goons."

As per usual, we battled all the Boos and ghosts. It was a tedious affair. One by one, we beat them all.

"Come on." Even Mario was feeling the drag. "I want to get this over with."

We looked for any traces of Bowser or Princess Peach. We continued on to the second level of the fortress, where we suddenly began to hear loud cheers. Upon entering an auditorium of sorts, we found it filled with “Cheaty” posters, which seem to be for an organization called the "League of Cheaters."

"What's the "League of Cheaters"?"

"I dunno. Let's find out."

As we walked into the room, we were met with applause. Standing in front of a large desk is a man wearing a red tracksuit and sunglasses.

I asked who he was. "Who are you?"

"I am Mr. Ford," he said. "President of the League of Cheaters. We just want to go on record as stating that we support the anti-Wario stance of the anti-Mario crowd."

"That's all?"

"Yeah," he replied. "Now if you don't mind, I have a presentation to make.”

"Do you know where Bowser and Princess Peach are?" I asked.

"We don't need to know. All we need to know is that you don't want Wario to marry her."

"Why?" Mario asked.

"Before I can answer that…" he said. "I have a question _for you_." Mr. Ford snaps his fingers, and two more figures enter the room. "Ah, yes. This is Q and A."

Q stands at about six feet tall, and is covered with blue paint, and is wearing a suit resembling a police van. A stands at about four feet tall, and is covered with pink paint, resembling a police girl.

"What the hell is this?" Mario asked.

"It's a question."

I asked, "What's the question?"

"Have you ever questioned the morality of cheating?" asked Q.

"No," Mario answered.

"Then the answer is “no”."

"Seriously?"

"It’s our turn to ask a question!” I told them. “Where is the princess?"

"I don't know," said A. "I've asked Q that question a bunch of times."

"I’ve never known the answer," Q responded. "I thought you knew."

"Then where is Bowser?" I asked.

"That I also don't know," says A.

"You're not helping us much."

"Our turn,” Q interjected. “Tell me, have you ever cheated?"

"No," Mario replied.

I had enough, at this point. "Mario, we should just leave. They don't know anything."

"Oh, really?” Q asked. “Well what do you know?"

"Bowser has the princess. We saw him take her, and know she’s been brought here. Let's get out of here, Mario. They won't tell us anything. Unless... we fight them."

"Fight? We haven't fought anyone in years," said Q.

"Not anymore! Come on, let's fight!"

"What?" asked A, in surprise. "Are you serious?

"Let us pass to rescue the princess or we will have no choice but to defeat you in combat!"

"Fine," A replied. "Come on, Q."

Q nodded, and the two left the room, motioning us to follow them. We followed them into the next room, where they had disappeared. We looked around, and the room was full of Jumble Caches. I had no idea what those were.

"What's a Jumble Cache?"

Mario said, "They're giant bowls of mixed nuts."

I shrugged, when suddenly we heard A’s voice come out of nowhere.

“Like nuts? Crack a few and crack the code in the riddle we left for you. We don’t fight, so… If you guess the riddle correctly, _maybe_ we’ll help you.”

Mario was quick to find the note and read it. "Come on, I need your help." I followed him as he attempted to figure the riddle written on the piece of paper and place the answer into the bowl that was seemingly designated to be the placeholder. Mario seemed to have trouble with the riddle, so looked over his shoulder.

"I'm trying to figure out the answer to this riddle, but it makes no sense to me. What do you think, Luigi?”

I read the riddle. "What does a lug nut do when it is dropped into a hot soup?" It dawned on me what the answer was. "It spins?"

"Got it!" Mario said as he wrote down the answer and dropped it into the bowl.

In a small burst of light, the note vanished and in its place laid a key. Mario grabbed the key. Eventually, we came to locked door that the key worked on. To much great joy, it was the room where the princess was being held.

“This is it, Luigi!”

Suddenly, Mr. Ford came out of nowhere with Q and A, behind him. "What do you think you're doing?" he asked.

"Advancing the plot!" I said. “Don’t try to stop us, or we’ll fight for real!”

"You really think we can just snatch the princess and be done with it?" asked A. After a small pause she said, “We will help you.” We looked at her puzzled. “We didn’t realize she had been kidnapped. We thought Bowser had given up on trying, but we were wrong.”

”We’re not kidnappers,” added Q. “We will give you our aid, as you solved the riddle. However, do you think it’s possible to rescue her?”

"Yeah, mostly. Bowser doesn't seem to be around, so I think we can just get the princess and leave."

"Fine," said Ford. "Let's do it."

We entered the room, and our allies closed the door behind us so we wouldn’t be caught. Princess Peach sat on a bed. She seemed quiet and didn’t seem to notice our presence. Mario and I approached her line of sight, and she finally looked at us, with a sigh.

"Princess! Are you okay?" I asked her.

"Y-yes, I'm fine," says the princess, stuttering slightly. "Why are there three of you?"

"Three? Peach, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, I swear," she said. "What are you three doing here?" She lazily looked around.

"Saving you! Bowser kidnapped you! I’m afraid to ask what else he’s done to you…"

"That little...!" says Ford, heading over to the princess. "I'll tear him apart!"

"Don't worry. We'll get you out of here. Come on Q," Mario said as he and Q helped her up from her seat.

"Thank you so much," she said. "I don't know what I'd do without you three."

"Hey, we're not done yet," says Mario. "We need to get out of here before Bowser catches us!"

"Let's go," A said. We ran out of the room as quickly as we could, before turning around to find ourselves staring at a large spider-like creature!

"Oh no!" Peach screamed.

"Got him!" says Q, as he picked-up the critter and flung it into the air, only for the defeated creature to land in Ford's arms, causing him to sigh.

"Let's get out of here!" he grumbled, tossing the thing to the side.

We ran out of the room, and made our way out of the fortress, thankfully with no Bowser in sight, this time. But for some reason, A began to diverge from the group and stopped going the direction of the forest.

"Hey, where are you going?" I asked her.

"The Shrines," says A. "They're all the rage these days."

"Are… they the way out?"

"No, actually…" she said. “I actually need help with something…” I nodded, and we followed her to a part in the field. "There are three known locations."

"What?" I asked, as I didn’t have a clue what she was trying to accomplish.

"The three of us are going to travel there, then split up and attack them from three different directions. If we can destroy them all, the magic that's keeping me alive will stop, and I can finally die."

"You what now?"

"I've been alive for how many years now? Twenty? Thirty?" A replied.

"That's fine…?"

"You think I like being on the verge of death for the past twenty years? No, I want to finally move on."

"I see."

"I'm serious.”

"Okay. You have the right to die. We will help you."

"Heh, I've been waiting for someone to come to me and say that."

Everyone split up to go destroy the shrines. Q goes with Ford, as he's the only one who can get through the magical barrier. By now Peach was coherent enough to go destroy a shrine on her own. A, Mario, and I went to the final shrine go kill the impostor Shredder.

"Who's Shredder?" I asked.

"He's an impostor. The real one's stuck in a magical shell." Mario told me, before running off.

More confused than before, I just asked, "We just need to destroy the shine, right?"

"Yeah, and you need to kill me to start it off."

We headed to the Imposter Shredder's Shrine, as I saw that it was a lot simpler than the others. There was a turtle shell in the middle of a large, mysterious circle.

"There's the turtle shell," says A. "And that's the magic circle."

"What do we do?"

"I step into the circle, and then you hit me with the shell, as hard as you can," she said.

"Okay."

A stepped into a circle, in the center of the shrine. I took a moment to prepare myself. A moment later, I raised my hand back and swung it forward, hitting the shell and letting it fly. It slammed into the side of A's head, knocking her to the floor. She laid there, motionless.

"She's dead," declared Mario.

"You're free, A. Rest in peace."

After I spoke those words, we watched as the spirits of A and who we assumed to be the Shredder guy drift away. These were the only ghosts I really wasn’t afraid of during this whole endeavor.

"Thanks," A’s ghost spoke. "I've been keeping that spirit up for the past twenty years, and now I finally get to let it go."

They vanished, and we left the shrine, leaving it to crumble on its own. The others destroyed the remaining two. We reached the final shrine, where Peach had gone. We found her, and she was staring at something peculiar. There was a large golden coffin in the middle of the circle. I too stared at the coffin, wondering what was inside it. It got me thinking that it seemed so odd that someone could be locked inside a metal box, never going to be dug up.

"We should open it," Mario said.

"Why?!"

"Dunno. I just want to see what's inside."

"Fine, but be careful. I don’t want you unleashing something with the powers to kill us all."

Mario opens the coffin, and I braced myself. He stared inside for a second, before looking back at me. "It's empty."

I stared in amazement at both him and the coffin. "Okay. Let's go home." I began to walk away from the coffin, but Mario stops me.

"Hold on. Let's check the other Shrines first.

"No, Mario! We won! The game is over! We just need to go home!"

"No, it's not! We've still got time. Let's just go check the rest of the shrines!"

“The shrines were destroyed! There's nothing left for us here!"

"Just humor me."

I could only sigh and nod. Peach and I followed Mario, as he hurried to the shrine Ford and Q destroyed. They had done a thorough job of obliterating it, somehow.

"See? There's nothing here. Can we go home now?"

"Yeah... Let's go home."

We joined with Ford and Q, and confirmed A’s passing. We took a minute to mourn before turning to walk away from the field, but the sound of a car horn behind us stopped us in our tracks. I looked back to see a familiar car. It was a truck from Porcini’s Pizzeria, from the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Get in."

"Who's driving?"

"I am," The car pulled up beside us, and the window rolled down, revealing a taller and stronger-looking than average Koopa Troopa, who I and Mario were relieved to see.

“Who’s this?” Ford asked.

"This is Ragnor, the pizza guy," Mario said. "I saved him from some hooligan Goombas, last time we ordered from him."

"Well, you're receiving a free pizza and ride, because of that," Ragnor said, motioning to his car.

I said, "Wonderful! We get to go home and we have a free pizza!"

We all loaded in the car. The car pulls away from the shrine and drives off. "So... Porcini is waiting on us for an order. What do you guys want?”

Mumbling under everyone weighing his or her options, I only said, "I just want this day to be over, honestly."

"Alright," he humored me.

And with that, the car took off into the sky. Within an hour, we made it back home to the Mushroom Kingdom, and all was celebrated with pizza. The end!

~*~

“That’s always such a strange story, Luigi. But what happened to Bowser?” Yoshi asked.

“I have no clue. We never saw him, and for all we knew, Bowser kidnapped the princess, while he was sleepwalking. Speaking of which, how’d you manage to stay awake, through that whole thing?”

“I don’t know…” Yoshi yawned. “But I think I’ll sleep now… Maybe I’ll have a weird dream, like yours.”

“Yeah, then you can tell me a strange bedtime story, for once.”

Yoshi agreed as Luigi tucked him in. They bid each other a goodnight, and that concluded another evening in the life of Weegee.

The End!


End file.
